Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bosses or asses?


(With anger, malice, sarcasm and grudge against all bosses.)

Ok. Post this post, I will not be surprised if I suddenly find myself in the “Physically able but unemployed youth” segment of the society. But at this point in time, I am really not bothered. In a way, I am past these worldly concerns. Let me then begin to rant about the species called “BOSSES” with a joke on the entire clan. Read the story…

Once, the various parts of the body were arguing about who should be the boss. The brain spoke up first, “I do all the thinking. I am the hub of all intellect. Hence I lay my claim to be the boss.”

Next, it was the heart, “I pump all the bloody blood! Without me, everything will perish. I should be the boss.”

While a verbal battle ensued between the different parts, the arse hole spoke up. “I should be the boss. The absolute authority”, it said. There was stunned silence for a second that the arse hole could even think of something so bizarre! When realization sank in, every part of the body was in splits. The arse hole gave everyone a very dirty look and shut itself for 3 days. Needless to say, the entire system went for a toss. Under immense pressure, the body gave in and the arse was made the boss.

Now, what’s the moral of the story? You don’t need brains to be a boss. Any arse hole will do. And I was so bugged in life that I actually went to my boss and told him this story. I still grin to myself when I reminisce the look on his face.

This clan follows no biases of any kind. Men, women, non men, non women, anyone in these shoes behaves in the same manner. A nice boss is probably as much of a figment of imagination as the existence of Atlantis. Everyone has heard fables of “good bosses” but few have probably experienced it first hand. And in this case seeing, indeed, is believing. Though I don’t know what genetic mutation people undergo by the time they become bosses but I pray I can avoid such a catastrophe in my life. I meant the mutation part. Let me now, for your benefit, classify the kinds of sub species that exist in this category.

Absolutely autocratic: It is the kind that believes that since they have spent reasonable time in the industry they’re in, they know EVERYTHING about it and hence their opinion is unchallengeable. They conveniently forget that due to the process of evolution, every successive generation is a tad faster and more capable. Let alone accepting it, they ignore even the possibility of such a thing!

Mistaken democrats: These are people who believe they’re extremely democratic whereas their democratic nature is as real as a mirage in a desert. They have an illusion that they give people a chance to express their opinion and work in their own way. It’s more like allowing one to stand in a one square foot area and say that there is enough space to play hopscotch! That, my friend, is the true face of these mistaken democrats.

Selective hearing: They are like a radio. One can hear them but never speak to them because for some godforsaken reason, sound just doesn’t seem to travel to their ears. Well, it maybe the vaccum in their heads that prevents the sounds from reaching the brain. They say what they have to, listen to nothing and then when things go wrong, they even forget that they said what they said!!

Excuse me: This kind has an excuse up their sleeve at any given point of time. Be it to avoid work or to make sure that they make life miserable for people working with them. These people fish for the first reason they can find to get out of office. It can range from “the neighbour’s dog being sick” to “no water from the municipal authorities”. I have seen a lot of this kind.

This is the brief segregation I could come up with. And more or less, most bosses can be put into any of these though there may be finer differences prevalent across the world. If you find any other points, feel free to add to this piece. And before my bosses find this document open on my computer, I shall scoot.

Adios.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Being corny…



(This is only for people above 18 years of age. Though you shouldn’t be reading this otherwise but it’s up to you to take the final call.)

Rub it…rub it.

Pull it and straighten it out.

Yeah…that’s the way. Now come on, shove it in! Slowly. Don’t rush.

THIS is how one makes a wire pass through a circular disc to make a spinning wheel. What were you thinking?

Is it a flaw with the listener’s twisted mind or is it the fault of the speaker that what’s said and what’s interpreted are poles apart? Sometimes, it is a genuine lack of realization that gives rise to such situations. Like: “all of us crash at his place nowadays because things get easier when we’re sleeping with each other regularly.”

In this case, the context was that five people of a workgroup stayed over at the guy’s place whose house was the closest to office so that it was easier to come in on time everyday. But to someone who isn’t aware of what the reference is, such a statement can sound rather suggestive. I have found myself in such situations countless times. This is what someone I knew had to say about how to clean the grime that accumulates between the batteries and the steel plate, in a torch, resulting in an incomplete circuit: “pull it out. Blow it. Shake it a little and stick it back in.”

Sounds strange. I know.

Being a writer makes it worse. One is supposed to have more than one interpretation to every line written. Over a period of time, it just happens that dual meanings begin to appear from every side…in every statement. And to make matters absolutely terrible, this tendency to be corny is contagious. So one not only ends up being infected…but passing it on as well! Though, sometimes, being a little corny adds to the charm of what’s written and interpreted. I remember having read this print as by Neil French, a copywriter par excellence. It was for a cigar brand called Cigarillos. It read “Gentlemen like their companions brown, long, slim and ideally horizontal.”

I agree that is very open ended but that’s where the charm of the line was!

My boss was heard telling a trainee recently that it was important for him to perform every single time otherwise people would find someone else. I agree. As Little T often tells me, “you have a twisted mind!” I agree. But then, it isn’t exactly my fault, is it? I mean, seriously, I would love to think straight. I mean, get the right interpretation.

Though there is no judgement that I am passing about being corny, it is sad when a very well interpreted statement is wasted on someone who’s a little dim in the head…or maybe isn’t as “corrupted”. Those winks, the sly grins and all that laughter with lips pursed is something that results in a little relaxation when the atmosphere is a little tense.

Even brands are not spared. One day, recently, when I had gone to meet my lifeline...Little T, we went shopping. I saw this amazing pair of shades for her. But then, she wanted to look around a little more so while trying on the different pairs, she noticed that one particular brand was called "Push and Shove"! Ok then. I wonder what to push and shove. Nevertheless, sounded strange. And after all this time, I guess I have brushed off on my little angel cause it was she who noticed the brand. A general request to all budding entrepreneurs...please don't have such weird names to your brands!! Sheesh!

All said and done, written and read, being corny or not is a matter of individual choice but if you want to think corny, go right ahead. There is nothing wrong about it.

Adios.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The art of SARCASM


It is an art that’s as old as time itself. Probably. Say something with a totally straight face and imply something completely different. That’s the art of sarcasm.

I was out to watch a movie with friends and met an acquaintance at the multiplex. “So…how have you been? Here for a movie?” was the question put forth by Mr. Acquaintance. My absolutely poker faced answer was “No..no…I am here for the Liverpool versus Manchester United soccer match. Wonder why it hasn’t started yet.”

Well, it’s a different issue that my sarcasm was wasted on him cause he gave me a strange look and a stupid smile. I mean seriously, why do people ask questions like these?! Is it just a desperate attempt to begin and continue a conversation or is it that the person is genuinely dwarfed in the head? Sounds like an unsolved mystery to me.

While some people are born with this ancient art running in every vein, some others cultivate it over the years. To me, it comes naturally and absolutely effortlessly. Even my little princess…Little T excels at the art. Sadly, sometimes I have come across people on whom sarcasm has no effect cause they just don’t see the point! In fact, I remember this one incident very clearly. A guy I knew in college was one day seen wearing a parrot green full sleeve shirt with brown corduroy trousers. The day was scorching hot. While sitting together and killing time, someone commented that the temperatures had become intolerable due to the lack of trees in the vicinity. I being me, turned around, looked at the guy who had commented, pointed to the guy in the parrot green shirt and brown corduroy trousers and said “don’t worry, Abu’s around. Just stick a few twigs in to his hair and you will have all the soothing shade that you’re looking for!”

Sadly, everybody understood except the person who it was intended for. Damn!]

Then again, there is sarcasm and counter sarcasm. Now, that’s fun cause it’s like a battle of wits. This is generally what happens when Little T and I have a conversation at our sarcastic best! Such conversations are long and memorable. But if you’re expecting e narrate one here, sorry, that isn’t happening. There are a little too precious to be shared.

Well, the fact that the profession I am in demands me to be sarcastic at most times is just incidental. Then again, there are people who just can’t stand this brilliant art! Well, I am not really surprised cause not everybody can appreciate an art form! In fact, I guess just like we have institutions that specialize in teaching certain forms of art, there should be schools that train people in sarcasm as well. It will not only propagate the art but also equip people better to handle unforeseen situations. What say?

Adios.