Saturday, May 24, 2008

A matchstick speaks



I am a little matchstick

Small yet defiant…

Calm with a fire deep within

All it takes is one stroke to set me alight.

Light a lamp, I can

To drive darkness away

Or bring everything down

Turn things into ashes.

You may carry me in your pocket

And forget my presence…

But with every spark…every flash…

I shall storm back into your mind.

Never belittle me as I shall

Leave a trail even as I burn…

Never hold me too close,

For it may leave you with a scar.

Value me you may not,

Because I am negligible,

But when you stumble in the dark…

Think of me, sure you will.

I am a little matchstick,

Small yet defiant…

I shall continue to burn

Ceaselessly…

Monday, May 19, 2008

au revoir darling

Life has come to a grinding halt. All cogs unanimously refuse to work. I stand and watch the clock tick by. Have suddenly lost so much that it seems difficult to believe. The biggest loss though, was losing you. Time and again, I feel like I am walking through a mist. In this dense fog, I seek you and your touch. A hand to assure me that you’re still by my side. Then I wake up. I am jolted back to reality. Regret is the first emotion that hits me. I wake up…look around and repent for everything that went wrong. I know I had plenty of chances but it when one hits rock bottom that one truly realizes that all that is needed is one last chance to prove oneself. But you refuse to let me have it. Don’t blame you my love…I don’t expect you to be as benevolent as God. But I am sorry.

Your memories lie undisturbed. Some in the closet and the others in my heart. They stay still, taking me back to those blissful days. I regret more that I threw it all away. I close my eyes and the mist clears because your face appears before me. The mist returns when I open my eyes. Why can’t I then close my eyes for good? At least it will take the mist away. I remember my friend’s burning pyre and envy him. He will no more have to bear the nasty jolts of life. Is death truly a better way out then? No. I won’t succumb. That’s my resolve because with life comes hope. There will be a faint glimmer that one day I will be able to hold your hand again. I will continue the way we had planned. Though no woman except you will ever be in the picture. I shall stand and hear the clock tick by. Like one piece of machinery next to another. Without you, my human side shall probably not last very long anyway princess. I read the note in my wallet and feel a sudden warmth envelope me. Though imaginary, your presence has warmth.

Your absence will pinch and burn throughout the time I am around and now that I look back, I realize I was very stupid to let you go. Worse, push you more. Today, we are poles apart. And you don’t want to take a single step this side but I shall continue trudging in the fog, in spite of falling and being bruised and hurt numerous times in the sole hope that finally I will come out of this fog to see you standing on the other side to say that you believed in me and I didn’t let you down. All it will take for the hurt to disappear is one hug from you to say that you’re still by my side. If that doesn’t happen, maybe I will lose myself in this mist like countless others. But I shall never stop seeking you because till am alive, the hope will linger. Till God decides to have mercy on me and be a little benevolent. As long as that doesn’t happen, life well. Be happy. I will always love you.

Au revoir little T

Thursday, May 15, 2008

thinking of my little princess...

I am standing on the terrace. Getting drenched in the rain and the storm. Reminiscing the moments with you. I remember that night when we spread out quilts there and I slept holding you in my arms. That patch still has your warmth in it. When I am lonely or upset, I go and sit there. It feels like I have you back in my arms. I remember the day that I had dozed off while you were here and you left me a note saying that you were leaving with a wish that I slept well and I ran to this terrace frantically to find you looking away into infinity and held you from behind. You were a little startled…and then you smiled. On the way down, your foot slipped on the slippery stairs and I held you again so that you didn’t fall. One thing I could never stand…still can’t…is to see you get hurt. A scratch on you is like a gash on me.

That day comes back to my mind when we did a Titanic, standing on this very terrace. Life was so complete! Then those nights, when while I spoke to you, an airplane flew overhead and I couldn’t hear you for a brief moment due to the noise. I despised the airplane because I had missed something that you had said. Even this house has a memory of yours in every corner. And without you, it will always remain a mere house…it will never be home. It has the floor that you walked on, the wardrobe that you leaned on and the mirrors that you saw your reflection in. I can still see your face in those mirrors when I look at them. Those days when I came back home and you welcomed me with a hug saying, “you must be cold”. Believe me dear, I never felt warmer in my life. These days when I come back home and unlock the door, I feel your absence every moment. When I cooked for you in the kitchen and you came and sat on the counter and started those pointless conversations which still seem to have so much meaning. If I told you to go back and rest, your only retort was, “I am here to spend time with you, not eat!”

This bed still lies here, the same one that we slept on, holding each other. Now I spend nights on it…absolutely sleepless. The wash room that we bathed in, the balcony that you stood in when you were upset and tears streamed down your eyes. You hugged me and I could feel your tears drop on my shirt. I held you tight to tell you that no matter what happens, I will stand by you till my last breath. So little was spoken, yet so much was said. My wardrobe still has a part reserved for you just like my life because if I ever have you back in my life, I want you to come back and see that everything is just as you left it. I have forgotten what life was like when you were not a part of it. Just seems like a frightening blur in the distance. Your memories on the other hand, are as fresh as ever. It has been a long time that I have been in love with you darling. And this love will never fade away.

It’s true that I have hurt you. Maybe beyond what words can undo, but I hope life gives me one last chance to tell you that you mean the world to me. You hate me now…and maybe you always will but my love for you will stay and grow stronger by the day. For me, to love you, a lifetime wouldn’t suffice because you mean a lot more than that. The world around me is teeming with people. But I feel frozen in the frame of time with your memories. Each one lies etched vividly in my mind. Life without you seems very incomplete. All I can say is that my love for you is true and I am ready to do anything humanly possible to make you believe that I regret what I did. I failed to understand you and fear that it might be too late to win you back but I hope…I hope I have one last shot at life. There are memories with you that are bitter, but I hope and pray I gave you enough memories to cherish that outlast the ones that are bitter. In case life refuses to offer me a chance, I just wish you have the best of everything and even my share of joy. I will be content with your share of sorrow. At least there will be something of yours that I shall have. The single gift you gave me always stays close to me because I am afraid of losing it just like I lost you…I still carry the little notes you wrote to me. I feel you through them. In those notes, I find your essence…your fragrance.

I have only two things to say to you little angel. First, that I love you with everything I have ever had. Second, that I am sorry…please forgive me. I shall wait for you just round the corner in case you decide to change your mind. You’re way too precious for me.

I shall be forever yours. Just yours.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

a scuffle in the heart...

You’re gone leaving a lingering hope

And my life moves on as it always did

But frozen I feel in the lanes of time

Without you by my side…

I breathe…I exist…I survive…

But the life is missing from within me…

I eat to keep my body going…

But the hunger has perished…

A lone candle of hope burns in my heart

Battling the strong winds that try blowing it out

Every cold response add an unseen wound

Every warm gesture looks like a silver lining

What will happen I do not know

I have a burning hope though

That back in my arms I shall have you one day

To show you that I mean it every time I say

“I love you my princess”…